I’m going to have to warn you that I’ll sound like a vain, superficial teenage girl for the remainder of this post. I know my ‘problems’ seem insignificant, and many ways, that is true. After all, when I look back on this moment in time, I’ll laugh remembering how stressed or sad I was. Unfortunately, we live in the present, and so I feel what I will feel in the present. I’m not in the business of denying myself the freedom to feel certain emotions. My emotions are valid. My ‘problems’ are valid. They are different from the type of problems that concern life or death, yet they are valid in their own way.
It’s always around this time of year. Maybe it’s because I live in the South, but homecoming is always made out to be such a big deal. The whole process of getting asked to the dance to the purchasing and exchanging of floor-length mums and garters…it’s all blown up. It’s all anybody can seem to talk about, and obviously for good reason. It’s exciting to get asked! It’s exciting to order the mums and garters for your date! By all means, I think those people have every reason to be excited. It’s just…I notice that in the midst of all this preparing and planning, I get a little discouraged, maybe even sad, and my self-esteem plummets. The fact that I even get so sad makes me feel so stupid. I’m judging myself for feeling what I feel on top of having the knowledge that I will not be asked, and I will not go through this typical ‘homecoming’ process that my peers are experiencing. And I blame myself because I am truly at fault. Rather, my personality is at fault. It’s hard being surrounded by friends who are outgoing and naturally gregarious. Everybody knows them. Everybody loves them. They connect on a superficial level with people easier than I can. All of my closer friends at my school currently are the type of beautiful girls that guys pursue constantly. It’s not to say that they lead boys on, but obviously the boys take their type of communication the wrong way. It’s not like it’s my friends’ fault that they get so much attention from boys; they’re just naturally very flirtatious in the way that they speak, and interact with others. Did I mention that they’re all beautiful? It’s just difficult to sometimes feel like the designated ugly friend, the friend that is sympathetically taken on a double date or the girl that the guy’s friend ‘has to take the team for.’ It’s like everywhere I go with my friends, I can just sense that boys would very much rather speak to them. I can see the way they don’t make eye contact with me. I can see the way in which their eyes go right over my head or through me…the way the words I say dissipate into nothing. It makes me feel invisible and a little unwanted. Again it’s not anybody’s fault but my own. I have always been shy. It’s harder for me to connect with people on a superficial level quickly. I am not the type of girl that you can fall in love with right away. I am maybe, possibly the type of girl that becomes more likable the more you get to know her (however, i’m being too generous to myself). I just can’t help but compare myself to my friends, and as a result, I can’t help but feel inadequate. I’ve accepted I’m not getting asked to homecoming, and the fault lies in my hands. I’m too shy. My natural resting face makes me look angry, indifferent, and unfriendly. I scare people. Regardless of my radical acceptance, it still hurts sometimes having to observe all my friends go through this process of homecoming. It hurts feeling inadequate compared to them. It’s like even if I asked a guy I knew to go with me to the dance as a friend, I’d feel sorry for them. I don’t feel like anybody would actually like to go with me. I feel as if I’d make them uncomfortable by even asking. Sure, I think a few might accept if I invited them, but it’s not like they’d actually want to go with me. It’s hard to explain. They’d be going with me more out of pity and politeness. The boys ask the girl they want to go with to homecoming. So I suppose I’m suggesting that I feel unwanted, and that maybe I’d like to feel wanted. I just know it’s going to be a little embarrassing on the day where everyone wears their mums. I know I’m going to be okay afterwards. But this whole process has got me feeling unhappy with myself….the way I am…my personality. This whole process has got me comparing myself to my friends, and wishing I was someone different.
I’ll be okay when it’s all done and over with.